That day I woke up with nothing on my agenda. I originally intended to use this day off to laze around—water the plants, feed the street cats, enjoy the warmth of the sun on my skin. Then came a text from you. “I am out of eggs,” you texted me. Before I could even type a response, my doorbell rang.
I was not expecting anyone today, nor did I have any packages on the way. My cat seemed equally curious as I was and approached the door with me. I scooped her up and peered through the peephole. To my surprise, it was you, dressed in a plain white t-shirt and shorts, far from your usual extravagant, citrus-patterned fashion. Somehow you still look so charming.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, as I opened the door.
“Told ya I’m out of eggs,” you replied matter-of-factly.
I tilted my head in confusion. I was about to speak when the cat in my arms started struggling, asking to be let go. I immediately beckoned you to come inside and closed the door.
When I turned around, you were already crouched on the floor, rubbing my cat’s stomach. “You still haven’t answered my question,” I said, crossing my arms.
You turned your head to face me. “We’re going grocery shopping and I’m here to pick you up, was that not … clear enough?” Your voice trailed off a little at the end of the sentence and as you said that, you stood up, cat cradled in your arms.
If anyone else had said that, I think I would’ve hit them immediately. But the look on your face was genuine, nowhere near arrogance. Just that usual dumb look on your face. I sighed. How could I ever say no to you?
“Fine, but let me get dressed first.”
With that response, you gave me a big grin, arms spread as if about to give me a hug, dropping my cat in the process. Bastard. “I knew I could always count on you!” You said gleefully, approaching me.
“I only agreed to accompany you grocery shopping, not a hug.” I replied, ducking away.
You gave me a frown. How cute. As I was changing in my room, I heard you approach my kitchen, indicated by the sounds of cupboards slamming. I never understood why you like to do that.
“You’re out of fruits!” You yelled out to me.
I didn’t have the heart to say that I don’t really eat them, but considering how enthusiastic you were, I considered it to my mental grocery list.
“Navy, olive, beige.” I muttered, sifting through my sweaters. This was strange. I never really put much thought on what to wear. All of my closet is just neutral toned clothing, no matter what I choose it’ll look cohesive. So pray tell, why was I thinking hard on what to wear? Who was I trying to impress, you?
Before I could think further, you suddenly banged on my door, “Hurry up!” You called me.
Ironic, considering you usually take hours to get ready. Regardless, I panicked, and pulled out whatever sweater my hand landed on. It turned out to be the lemon patterned sweater that I never wore due to it being very flashy. I was about to put it back in the hanger when you barged in.
“What’s taking you so lo– hey, that’s the sweater I gave you on your birthday!” You said gleefully.
Great. Now I can’t possibly put it back. “Haha yeah, I was looking for it.” I said sheepishly. A lie, clearly.
“You know, I never see you wear it. Is it possible you were waiting to hangout with me to wear it? That’s honestly so sweet! You love me don’t you?”
You spoke so quickly that I could only hear the last sentence. How could you say that so easily? I felt my ears get hot. “Come on, let’s go, since you’re so impatient.” I said, trying to ignore you.
I made sure to turn off the AC and feed my cat before leaving. As I locked the door, I started to wonder why you chose me to accompany you out of all your friends. What made me so special? What made me stand out? Could you possibly … I shook that thought away. It doesn’t matter.
“Besides eggs, what are you planning on getting today?” I asked, trying to make small talk in the car.
“You know, that’s a good question. I haven’t thought of that.” You answered honestly.
You’re always like that. So short-sighted and impulsive. Loud and flashy. I’m not sure how I could even withstand you in the first place. I guess that’s what happens when you were just two students abroad from the same hometown. “What are you getting, my good friend?” You asked as you made a turn to the grocery store.
“Not much honestly. Probably soap, I’m running low.” I suddenly remembered the ruckus you made in my apartment. “And I guess fruits …?” I added, trailing off.
As we arrived, you bolted off to god-knows-where. I sighed and got us a cart. I really thought it was going to be a normal grocery run. But when has it ever been a normal-anything with you around?
The jingling sound of your bag straps echoed throughout the aisles. Even as I was picking oranges, I could hear you approaching from afar. You were humming a song I couldn’t quite recognize when you carefully placed a carton of eggs in the cart. “Exactly the reason we’re here today!” You said cheerfully.
You took off your earphones and squinted at my arms. “Oh, oranges! You know that’s my favorite fruit right?” You started, leaning closer to me.
Too close. I caught a faint whiff of your citrus scent. I nodded. Of course I knew that. It’s a little too obvious. It’s your hair color. It’s all you wear. Only a blind man would not notice such detail. “Can you pick some for me as well? About four or five. Thank you!” You added, before leaving me again.
I blinked once. Twice. Of all fruits, why did I naturally drift to oranges …? I decided to give the oranges I’ve picked to you and chose green apples for myself instead.
As I weighed the two bags of fruits, I felt a strange feeling in my gut. Why did I end up giving my oranges to you? It’s not like choosing oranges was the same as choosing you, and it’s not like getting a fruit with an opposite characteristic was the same as rejecting you. God, who overthinks this? You won’t notice something like this anyway.
I walked away from the fresh produce aisle, away from the humming of the freezers, to look for the soap I mentioned to you earlier. As I walked, I cursed my choice of cart. The wheels seem to be in an urgent need of greasing. Its hinges creaked a little. While I was fussing over it, I heard the jingling of your bag again.
“Here, soap.” You said, dropping a package of it in the cart.
I picked it up to inspect it. Of course it’s orange-scented. It’s as if you’re trying to mark yourself on me. “Really?” I asked, pointing to the orange illustration.
“So you would always think of me!” You joked.
I looked at you in response, exasperated. I don’t know how you always say these things so lightly. I don’t need soap or a sweater to always think of you. You’re always on my mind. Always without fail. I don’t know why. It’s intrusive. I put it back on the cart. I widened my eyes. Could it be that I’m in–
Before I could finish the thought, you dropped another item in the cart. Citrus-infused chocolate. I raised an eyebrow. I’m getting somewhat sick of your obsession.
“I thought you don’t like chocolate.” I said.
You blushed in response. “I don’t. But you know who does …?” You answered, grinning ear to ear.
Oh.
I almost forgot about that. You’re eyeing someone else. Your friend from God knows which circle. I bit my tongue to avoid saying anything. “Come onnn, let’s pay!” You said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
Clearly flustered, you pulled the cart away from me and to the cashier, shoes stomping. I’m not sure if I could keep up with you. The stomping of your shoes, the jingling of your bag, your citrus scent, they’re all so overwhelming, overpowering. Before I realized, there were hot tears in my eyes.
I couldn’t keep it in.
Blood in my mouth. I bit my tongue too hard. It’s all I tasted then. You looked back, wondering why I didn’t follow you. I immediately ran to the nearest bathroom, leaving you dumbfounded. You chased after me.
Visions blurred, chest heaving, it was all so painful. To think it happened in the middle of a grocery store! I needed to hide, somewhere you couldn’t see me. Somewhere I could cry in peace.
I don’t think it was my lucky day, as I then slipped. You caught me just in time. You held me tight, rubbing the back of my head, enveloping me in your goddamned citrus scent. If I wasn’t so embarrassed, I would be desperately trying to claw my way out of the situation. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” You asked, clearly worried.
I like you, idiot! I’m in love with you! And it hurts to see you long for someone else instead! “Nothing’s wrong, I think I’m just homesick all of the sudden.” I lied, answering in between sobs.
I don’t think you were convinced, but you didn’t press me on further. We stayed a little like that for a while, as you waited for my sobs to subside. You paid for my groceries and we left the supermarket in silence. You didn’t even put on music—so it was just the humming of your car and the honking of traffic. I wanted to just disappear.
You walked me to my apartment’s front door. I was still shaking. I wanted to do nothing but run away from you as quickly as possible. As I was looking for my keys, you started to speak.
“Hey man, I don’t know what happened back there. But I got two of these, so I thought I’d give one to you to cheer you up.” It was that stupid chocolate you got for your crush.
I wanted to throw it from my balcony. Set it on fire. I don’t know. Anything to get it out of my sight. I felt sick. If you were anyone else, I would’ve hit you. But you seemed so genuinely concerned with me, with no hints of malice. How could there be malice? You don’t even know how I feel. I felt even sicker when I accepted that chocolate without thinking.
“I love you, man. If there’s anything bothering you, just tell me.” You added.
There you go again. I should have pushed you away, made sure our boundaries were clear. But instead, I just said, “I love you too,” even if it hurt.
We said our goodbyes and I opened the door quickly, to make sure my cat didn’t escape. After I locked the door, I sat down in front of it, and threw the damned chocolate you gave me. I started crying again. I could still smell your perfume lingering on me. Stupid orange. Stupid eggs. So much for lazing around for the day.
Perhaps next time, I should have said no to you.
